Let Me In

Every person has a group that they want to be a part of but aren't. Every child wants a seat at the grown-ups table. Every employee at any level wants to be in an office on the next floor up. Every person has a group of people who makes them feel less than. Every person has someone telling them," No, not yet." "You aren't ready." "You aren't enough." 

But, you know what:

That person that you admire, are trying to compete with, or think that you could never come close to competing with - that person you put on a pedestal above yourself, the standard by which you judge yourself, the one whose perfection you use to beat yourself up with because you just can't ever seem to be as good as...they think that they aren't enough, too. 

There is another group, one you don't know about or maybe one you do but never imagined, that the Mr. Awesome and Ms. Perfect in your life longs to be a part of but isn't. Of all the gifts they possess that you long for, there is something they dream of doing, some group they want to be a part of, some talent or gift they wish they had but don’t. 

That's true of everyone.

However, there is One who sees me exactly as I am and is deeply in love with me: God. The feeling of complete and total acceptance and love that I seek from other people can only ever truly be satisfied by God’s perfect love. Our imperfect humanness guarantees that we will never be perfectly loved by another person - only God can offer that. 

When I am engaged in my relationship with God, when I allow Him to fill the emotional needs that only He can fulfill, then I am able to better love others. From His love, I am able to be more compassionate, understanding, loving, and kind than I otherwise would. I better see the hurt behind other’s hurtful words or actions; rather than reacting defensively, I can react compassionately. 

My Wish for My Children

I love my children with such total and complete love - truly unlike anything I’ve ever experienced! In my eyes, they are perfection!💕 My instinctual desire is for them to live lives of perfection*, and anything short of that is utterly agonizing for me to watch. I want to protect them from every possible moment of pain. I want them to always know that they are loved beyond measure, by me and by Jesus. I want them to live with unshakable confidence in themselves - to see themselves the way I do.

None of that is attainable. I know that. But those are my ideal goals, in a perfect world.

I want my children to grow up knowing in the depths of their souls that they are loved unconditionally. I want them to have close, loving, supportive relationships with each other that last their lifetimes. I will not have succeeded as a parent if they have fractured connections as adults. One of my deepest wishes for our family is that ties remain tight for generations to come.




* When I say “lives of perfection,” I’m not talking about their performance or success or anything like that. I mean that I wish everything was perfect for them - that they never suffered or struggled. And even then, obviously I only mean it idealistically.

Bragging on My Girl

I am so impressed with my daughter!

The Faith in Acceptance

I’m not where I want to be in life. I’m not living the life I want to be living - not by a long shot! In fact, a while ago I realized that I really enjoy sleeping because I have very vivid dreams where I am completely healthy. I’m always on some adventure or another - out living life in the world.

There is sooo much I want to get up and go do, but I physically just can’t. I lack the strength or stamina necessary to do so many things that I used to do, that normal people do, or new things I’d like to try.

Some times I get frustrated and sad about what I’ve had to give up. When my health stands in the way of something I want to  it is very easy for me to criticize myself for my weakness, for any inability to do whatever it is I’m missing.

Much of my personal identity was wrapped up in my capabilities before getting sick. To be unable to do something is to be less worthy, or so I thought. But once I really understood that my value is because of God, not me. I am exactly who He wants me to be at this moment in time. For whatever reason, God is choosing not to heal me. Accepting that God has the power to heal me but chooses not to tells me there is a reason why. Having that faith in Him releases me from the self-imposed sentence  of trying to do more than I can during this season of my life.

To be clear, I’m not talking about giving up. I’m not talking about doing nothing. I will continue to push myself to do all that I can. I will continue to find opportunities to serve Jesus and others. But I won’t succumb to feelings of shame over a physical condition I can’t control. I understand that God’s love for me and my value is not based on me - my works - my accomplishments. Praise God for His amazingly unconditional love!

Too Faithful For My Own Good 😉

I’ve been thinking about what a friend of mine said about his battle with cancer, and Job from the Bible. My best friend once said that if I were an animal I’d be an yellow lab because I am loyal to a fault. If the worst happens and I do end up having cancer (which I realize is jumping many guns at this point), there is no question what my reaction will be. When the time comes to choose between being angry with God or pulling closer to Him, I know what I will choose. I choose Him. Today, tomorrow, everyday.

I obviously have NO idea what is coming in the near future, but I know is that God has a plan (Jer 29:11). In that I will rest.

On Second Thought...

My doctor just called with the results of my recent, and first ever, mammogram. Apparently there are some “abnormalities” in my left breast that they want to take a closer look at. I’m supposed to call later this afternoon and schedule a breast ultrasound (I never knew there was such a thing).

Everything I said the other day about dying is still true, but I really don’t want to have to put my family through breast cancer. Financially we are barely making it, but otherwise I feel like finally we are all doing pretty well - many obstacles in the rear view mirror. I just want my kids to have a joyous childhood! My SOD & GP have already taken so much from them, their childhoods, and our whole family. Please God, do not put us through a cancer diagnosis!

At Least They’ll Know That

If I died tomorrow, I would be ok with that. I’m not afraid of dying - I know where I’m going and there’s no worries there. My only concern is about the people I leave behind - more specifically, my kids and husband. This is about my kids, though.

If I had to leave my children tomorrow, I would have two great comforts:

1. They each know that Jesus loves them, and they all have relationships with Him.
2. My children know that I love them with all my heart and soul!

My children are the dream in my opinion. Being their mom - so much better than I ever imagined motherhood could possibly be. So much better than I ever thought life could be!

I have struggled a lot in my life, and I’ve been struggling with serious, painful health issues for years now. No matter my current circumstances - all I have to do is think of any one of my precious blessings and I smile. 😊

“My heart will never stop sending you love.” 💕