I’m not where I want to be in life. I’m not living the life I want to be living - not by a long shot! In fact, a while ago I realized that I really enjoy sleeping because I have very vivid dreams where I am completely healthy. I’m always on some adventure or another - out living life in the world.
There is sooo much I want to get up and go do, but I physically just can’t. I lack the strength or stamina necessary to do so many things that I used to do, that normal people do, or new things I’d like to try.
Some times I get frustrated and sad about what I’ve had to give up. When my health stands in the way of something I want to it is very easy for me to criticize myself for my weakness, for any inability to do whatever it is I’m missing.
Much of my personal identity was wrapped up in my capabilities before getting sick. To be unable to do something is to be less worthy, or so I thought. But once I really understood that my value is because of God, not me. I am exactly who He wants me to be at this moment in time. For whatever reason, God is choosing not to heal me. Accepting that God has the power to heal me but chooses not to tells me there is a reason why. Having that faith in Him releases me from the self-imposed sentence of trying to do more than I can during this season of my life.
To be clear, I’m not talking about giving up. I’m not talking about doing nothing. I will continue to push myself to do all that I can. I will continue to find opportunities to serve Jesus and others. But I won’t succumb to feelings of shame over a physical condition I can’t control. I understand that God’s love for me and my value is not based on me - my works - my accomplishments. Praise God for His amazingly unconditional love!
